Air Canada Scareoplan

Good ol' Air Canada Aeroplan. Don't worry, this is not going to be a rant about how useless air miles are, or about the numerous blackout periods, or the lack of "reward" seats, or what a joke it is for these to be called reward miles. Nope, this is going to be a simple rant about trying to get a replacement Aeroplan card.

For some bizarre reason, I seem to be the only one of the family with an ancient card that doesn't have the magnetic stripe. As a result, I cannot use my card to authenticate for rapid check-in or to claim various promotional miles, such as using the card when buying gas at Esso.

It should be simple to get a new card, right? Ha! If you believed that, then you obviously haven't been reading my tales of woe. I'm a cranky consumer for a good reason.

I send an email request for a new card using the form on their web site. They even have a pre-canned subject for the Aeroplan card as a drop-down menu. What could go wrong?

Well, I get an email stating, "Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are currently unable to respond to your request electronically." They then go on to tell me to call the Customer Service number. That is so bogus. It's totally under their control. Why the hell do they have a special pre-canned subject for email if they're not going to resolve the issue via email?

As this is Air Canada, and I'm used to their stellar level of incompetence, especially when it comes to rewarding any customer who dares to claim air miles, I shrug my shoulders and call the number. I'm prepared for an hour or so wait.

My fears are confirmed as the automated voice system tells me that "Due to unexpected call volumes, wait times are longer than normal." When has anyone ever called Aeroplan and not heard that line?

But wait, I can't even get to talk to an agent. I first have to create a security voice print so they know it's me in the future. To do this I have to say my Aeroplan number three times and then confirm with my PIN. Huh? This is more secure how?

If I tell them my Aeroplan number and PIN, then don't they trust that it's me? If they don't, then why are they trusting me to create a voice print based on just that information? What a false sense of security. The Aeroplan security folks are scary, don't ya think?

I get through that process, avoiding the temptation to use some silly voice as that would probably prevent me from using the system in the future.

They ask for me to speak a few words about the reason I'm calling, finally. This part goes smoothly as I say, "Aeroplan card", and it correctly guesses I need to have my card replaced. Cool. They verify my address and then …

… they tell me it's going to take 4 to 6 weeks to get a new card. Geez Louise, what the heck are they doing?

This should be totally automated. The request should result in a card being printed the same day and mailed the next business day. That would mean only a 3 or 4 business day turnaround. I should have the card in under a week.

What the heck are they doing for the remaining 3 to 5 weeks? Creating a special job opening for this request, filling it with a summer student, and then having them hitch a ride cross country to deliver it to me personally?

Air Canada, and particularly the Aeroplan program, has got to be one of the worst run companies in Canada. I have yet to hear anyone say anything nice about them. What's it like to be an Air Canada employee at a party? I bet most of them will never say what they do for a living. It would be like saying you clean sewers during the day and clean up after hookers and junkies at night. The look of disgust on people's faces would ensure they would only tell the truth once. It would be better to say they had the job of emptying old cooking oil at McDonalds than to say they worked at Air Canada.

I'm sure the card will show up within the stated time. Even Air Canada can't screw up that bad. Hey, stop that laughing!